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2/13/2007 My Relationship with the InternetThe Internet guilt-trips me into spending time with her. Seriously, she holds me at emotional gunpoint and says things like, "You spend more time at work than with me!", "We never have any 'us' time anymore!", or the ever popular, "I want a quickie before school!" So I end up giving her a little bit more of my time. I set aside Facebook breaks throughout my study day. I check up on the celebrity gossip before I leave the house every morning.
The more time I spend with The Internet, the more time I want to spend with her. Every Wikipedia article I read or write makes me want to read and write more. I would much rather watch Shakira's Grammy performance on YouTube than study ichthyology. I've forgotten to eat meals, I've ignored bodily needs! All because The Internet commands my attention.
I've been thinking about changing the scope of our relationship. Not a complete break-up, but perhaps a shift from our marriage to more of a no-strings-attached, friends-with-benefits kind of relationship. I won't have to pay so much attention to The Internet, and we can both see other people. But when I absolutely have to find out what kooky thing TomKat has done lately, I can.
I just don't know how to break it to her. I don't know how to communicate that it's nothing personal, I just need a life other than X-Talk. Maybe if I cheated, The Internet would leave me and say all the hard words for me. I could start spending time with my family and friends. I could read a novel, or watch a movie! But no ... that won't work. I'll just be crawling back to The Internet the next day, begging for another chance.
So it seems I'll have to be the one to put up boundaries. I'll have to be the one to tell The Internet, "I'm sorry. But my work is more important right now." She'll find someone else. She always does.
Love, --KM 2/2/2007 Freedom an Obligation?I am SO ready for this week to be over. I have been so busy this week with assignments (I like the word assignments because it starts with "ass" :P) and getting ready for midterms and tutoring and having meetings and on and on it goes. I feel like I got run over by a truck. And it's not even exams yet!
My life is so unconscionably boring right now because all I have time for is school. But I have nothing to do for the next 15 minutes before my last lab of the week, so I'm going to start blogging about natural law ethics and see where I end up.
Basic idea is this: There are certain foundational principles on which we ought to live our lives. These principles are not made by people, but rather discovered by them. A great deal of western law (particularly with respect to human rights) is based on this concept. For example, most Canadians would agree that slavery is wrong. Our laws reflect this. However, slavery was legal in most of the world for ages, yet the principle that slavery is wrong was just as true then as it is now. This truth simply hadn't been discovered.
It doesn't matter if one person thinks that slavery isn't wrong, he still should not enslave another human person because it would be morally wrong. Naturally, of course, this is because enslaving another person would entail a violation of someone else's right to freedom and security of their own person. What if, however, someone wanted to be a slave? Would it be morally right to enslave such a person? Natural law says no, since the person performing the act of enslaving is not the one desiring enslavement. One cannot perform a morally wrong action against another person, simply because that person wishes it.
Does that make freedom an obligation? Many Dharmic and Judeo-Christian philosophers would probably say that it is. This is why it would be wrong to enslave someone. Even if he wants to be enslaved, by enslaving him, the enslaver would prevent him from fulfilling his obligation to live a free life. In other words, people have the right to be free; they do not have the right not to be free.
Well, I'm off to Experimental Design Lab! :) Love, --KM 1/29/2007 "Dress in drag and do the hula?"Friday night, StFX hosted our third annual drag show! It was blizzarding like hell that night, and we were worried no one would turn out for it, but the place was packed! Every seat that had been set out was filled, and more chairs were even brought in. The show was absolutely fantastic! Highly embarrassing for all the straight men in the crowd, yes. But it was such a laid back atmosphere, and it was nice to drink somewhere besides the pub. High school girls dancing (and badly at that) can only provide so much entertainment. Random tangent: My first glimpses of dressing in drag were in movies: Inspector Clouseau dressed as a "wandering transvestite" in Revenge of the Pink Panther, and Timon & Pumbaa in The Lion King. Then we went to San Francisco and it just became standard. That's my randomness for today! Love, --KM
1/12/2007 New PicturesI have just come to the realization that I am in TREMENDOUS need of new pictures!! The problem is that I always update this thingy when I'm at school. But, this weekend, I will search through my computer at home and see if I can dig up some more recent pictures of me. Cause yea, ew I don't even look like this anymore!! --KM 1/10/2007 Happy New YearHappy 2007!
2006 was an amazing year...
I got rid of the stupid people destroying my life, and found out who my true friends are. I realized how loved and supported I really am. Laura and Jordan moved in with me, and they are the best housemates in the entire world!! Janine and I rekindled our friendship as we worked at the coffee shop and painted my cottage together over the summer. Collin grew up a lot (more than my mind can handle!!). He is absolutely the shiznit, and I'm his biggest fan (not literally, but you know)!
I got out of Nova Scotia for a bit! I love it here, but the travel bug hits me about every six months or so, and after spending two years in the same exact spot without leaving, I was getting cabin fever. I spent a week in New York in the spring, and Christmas in Alberta.
School went well also - I finished Microbiology! I also wrote my MCAT exam, and survived what I pray is the last calculus course of my entire life. I'm learning to broaden my horizons and not just spend my entire life in the physiology lab, although that remains my favorite place to be.
Last but certainly not least, I met Aaron - probably the most significant event of last year, or any year (to date, anyway)! It was like looking in a mirror, except that I saw all the parts of me that I've been missing and searching for; now, together, we can both be whole and complete.
All of what I learned in 2006 can be described by one word: respect. I learned to respect myself enough to get rid of things in my life that were dragging me down. I realized that respect from others needs to be earned and, once gained, shouldn't be taken for granted. I also learned that true friends and lovers will treat me with respect and dignity. Kant put it well, "Act in such a way that you always treat humanity ... never simply as a means, but always at the same time as an end."
So that's last year. What are my aims this year?
(1) Studying. I'm on a roll with this whole university business (only 16 months left!!), and I want to keep my marks up where they're at. So I will keep hitting the books.
(2) A lot of love. I have never been so utterly mushy and googley-eyed in my entire life! It's a good thing though, because I know that I am loved tremendously and I finally feel secure. FYI: Long distance relationships suck! But we're making do.
(3) Thinking about the future. I'm not really the planning type. But I need to start, because if I want to do this med school thing, I need to get a move on!
Love,
--KM
6/20/2006 AssimilatingI must admit it now: I'm Canadian. Don't get me wrong, I'm still American too ... but maybe a little bit less so, or maybe just less exclusively so. There was a time not very long ago when I would have said "Canadians always say this ... " or "Canadians always do that ... " or "That's so Canadian!" But now that I have breathed and lived and loved in Nova Scotia for over two years, I realize that I have assimilated, and it's suddenly not Me vs. The Canadians anymore, because I am now a part of them.
Every time a friend calls from the US, the following questions always arise: "Is the drinking age really 18??", "Why do you guys always say 'eh'?", "Does your snow ever melt?", and the ever popular "Do you really kill baby seals up there?". And as I spit back the same old responses of "that depends on the province", "because we can", "yes", and "well, I don't" ... a little voice in the back of my head reminds me that they are not speaking to me as a fellow American, but as a Canadian - an outsider. When people ask where I'm from, Colorado doesn't seem like the right answer anymore. When I sit back and listen to myself speak, I realize that the Nova Scotianisms have worn off on me: I say "eh" and pronounce "couch" as "coach" and no longer get confused when I hear the word "serviette" instead of "napkin". I even watched every hockey game this week and I even recycle!
Do you recall the line in the movie Hitch, "'You' is a very fluid concept right now."? That's how I feel. Like it doesn't matter where I live, I'm always going to be changing in some way. And while I'll always be proud to be from the good ol' U.S. of A., I feel like living here in Nova Scotia has taught me a very important lesson: It's not where I live that shapes who I am, but the great times I have with the people I love around me! Love you N.S.! --KM 6/16/2006 Calculus, my soul's bane ...Calculus: n.
Why do Biologists need to have Calculus II? I really don't think we do. Calculus I, ok fine whatever, learn a little bit of college-level math, that's fine. But this is insane. Taking it in 4 weeks instead of the usual 12 probably isn't helping much either .... oh well. I'll just study for 18 hours a day for the 10 days I have left in the course, pass with a 50 and be fine. It's so hard though, when I'm all by myself in Nova Scotia with my love far away .... it's hard to be motivated to do anything when I'm filled with nothing but longing. And this is the most pointless blog entry of all time. But whatever, it's summertime ... I don't have to make sense. Love, --KM 6/3/2006 Rainy days that don't suckI can count the number of good rainy days I've had on one hand. It seems like everything goes wrong on days when it's raining. Today, however, was a really nice rainy day. It began with Jordan and I watching School of Rock. Then I goofed around. Then I took a hot shower. Then I did laundry. Then I went with Jordan to the store and bought sh*tloads of groceries and got a ride home from a really nice cab driver who even helped us carry our groceries into the house. He was so cool :). So yea, I don't really have anything to say, except that just when I think I understand the way the world works, I live a day like today in which I am reminded to be prepared for anything! Love from me, --KM 5/25/2006 Bob Dylan Birthday PartySo yesterday was Bob Dylan's birthday. A die-hard fan of his decided to have a community coffee house/open mic night to celebrate, as well as raise money for the local hospital. Janine and I went, and it was so awesome to hear people in town singing favorite songs! They even roped me into singing Blowin' in the Wind. So yea, it was super fun, and I want to find more stuff like that to do! That's all the news for now; love from me! --KM 5/8/2006 All philosophicalHave you ever found yourself stuck in a vicious cycle in which you realize that you're doing wrong but haven't been able to fix it, and then all of a sudden as you're riding this carousel of undesirable habit, something reaches out of nowhere and tries to pull you off? Weird imagery (even for me), I know ... but that's what I feel like the last two years have been about for me.
Since coming to university, I've stumbled from one dysfunctional relationship into the next, each time following the same pattern: I like somebody, get too physical with them too soon, we go out for a month or two, I get restless, and leave for someone else I like ... and then proceed to get too physical with that person too soon, and on and on it goes, ad infinitum. While I've been aware of this for quite sometime, I have been unable to permanently make a change in this lifestyle pattern of mine, and I've been confused as to why. Remember the mantra from A Bug's Life, "they come, they eat, they leave"? Yea, I totally could have played a grasshopper. I just took what I wanted and then left for something/someone 'more my style', 'more supportive', 'more stable', 'more financially secure', or any one of the bazillions of bullsh*t excuses I came up with. In actuality, I've just tended to pick loser men. I've made a discovery, however. Which brings me to the point of this increasingly long paragraph: What I want does not necessarily equate to what I need.
So I've decided to join a convent and devote myself to God's service as a celibate nun. Ha, as if.
What I've actually decided is that I don't know what I've decided. In fact what I've decided is not to decide anything. That makes no sense, so let me try again: My identity is no longer to be determined by my sex life. I'm sure that sounds a little strange, but for so long I've been "so-and-so's girl" or "so-and-so's ex" or "that b*tch that ruined so-and-so's life" and I am sick of it! Nobody ever says anything like, "oh, that's the chick who's always studying", and heaven forbid that they should say, "oh that's Kiva-Marie, she's really nice/cute/fun/[insert positive adjective here]." The problem, however, lies not with others, but with myself, for people think of me what I think of myself. Can I really expect other people to see me for the person I am and not for who I date when even I can't?
But is a positive attitude enough? If I feel secure or confident, will that make others see me that way? I don't think it will, for if I merely feel something, but my actions don't reflect it, there is a great possibility others will see me as arrogant or hypocritical. Action is the name of the game then.
But the eternal question: What in the f*cking hell am I supposed to do? How do I reach out for and grab hold of whatever is trying to pull me off my personal Merry-Go-Round of Death?
I don't have a clue. And that's my dilemma. I know what's wrong, I know what I want fixed, but I don't know how. Which is why I sit here going all philosophical and sh*t.
I don't know if any of this makes any sense or means anything. If you have any ideas/advice/suggestions/the number for a good shrink, maybe let me know? Love always, --KM 4/20/2006 Halfway there ...Exams are hell. After three exams and with three more to go, I am ready to shoot myself in the head so I can stop thinking for a while. But I have learned some really interesting things in my exam studies, including:
- that ethylene is in fact an organic compound (this one is an inside joke).
- how to make cocaine
- what a bacteriophage is
- how to become immortal
Anyway I have nothing more to say because my brain does not work today. Love, --KM 4/4/2006 April sucks and here's whyApril sucks. And here's why:
1) Classes are almost over. This part is good. The bad part is that classes being over mean that exams are coming soon. And exams suck because I don't get any sleep and my hair falls out and I get stressed.
2) People are stupid. If there's one thing I don't need at this time of year, it's emotional drama and emo b*tching.
I'm sure there are other reasons, but those are the ones that are really bugging me right now.
April also rocks. And here's why:
1) The sun is starting to shine and the days are getting long again! Yay for springtime!
2) As soon as exams are over (in 20 days!!), I'm going to New York and I'll be free as a bird for like 4 months! (Except for Calculus, but whatever)
3) April comes before May. And May is my birthday. Hooray for being able to drink LEGALLY. Hehe.
Anyway, I'm off to clean my room, --KM 3/31/2006 What's the Difference?Picture this: Jordan and I, walking to school. We run into Jordan's chemistry professor, Dr. Orlova. Walking by a tree, she stops, and notices two squirrels in said tree. "They're fighting!", she exclaims. "Or mating.", replies Jordan. My response to this: "What's the difference?" Dr. Orlova replies, "Haha, that's a good one!" Love, --KM 3/30/2006 I LOVE EVERYTHING*SCREAM!!!* *BOUNCING OFF THE WALLS!!!* *JUMPING UP AND DOWN!!!*
The above is a description of my actions today. While yesterday I was ready to gouge everyone's eyes out with a spoon, today I am completely high on life and want to hug everyone I see. Well, almost everyone. There are about two people I wouldn't hug. To those two people: It's nothing personal, your smell just really isn't my thing. Other than those, I LOVE EVERYTHING AND EVERYBODY!!! It is a BEAUTIFUL sunny day out, life is wonderful, my classes went well today, the school year is almost over, my chem lab was awesome, I didn't have physics tutorial today (blech - Physics is something I don't love ... but for today? Yea ok, I LOVE PHYSICS! :P), the biology chair is so awesome, my profs are so awesome, I love Maroon 5, and the list could go on and on forever. LOVE ALWAYS!!!!!!!!!, --KM
P.S. I am not a crazy person. Not officially anyway. P.P.S. I took a personality test and this is my result. I thought it was cool. http://typelogic.com/esfj.html ; http://keirsey.com/personality/sjef.html 3/29/2006 I hate everything.I hate everything. Ok so
that's a lie, but I hate a lot of things. I hate how people are
so superficial and would rather watch tv and hang on Oprah's every word
than do anything meaningful with their lives. All I ever hear
anymore is gossip or giggling or whining, and I'm like, shut the f*** up!
People who talk behind other people's backs should go die and burn in
hell, and brainless women who giggle at the most puerile and imbecilic
things annoy me to no end. And don't even get me started on
whining. You've had a stressful day? Guess what, so has the rest of the world!
Try getting shot at on your way to visit your sister who has AIDS
because your mother shot up with used needles after your father offed
himself. That is a stressful day. AUGH I need coffee ... I'll write more later when I can form some coherent thoughts. --KM 3/18/2006 Technologically Challenged, BUT...I am so proud of myself. Why am I proud of myself? Because I finally figured out how to put a media player in my space. Yes, it took me months to figure out. But I did! And that's the moral of today's story: Never give up, because slow and steady EVENTUALLY will win the race! Love, --KM 3/6/2006 Busywork.48 days until my freedom. Yep, that's right! In 48 days I will be walking out of my last final exam, breathing a deep sigh of relief that this school year is over! In the meantime, I have a genetics project, four midterms, a lab exam, and four final exams to do. Ugh ... I am not going to sleep for the next month. Oh well, in 7 weeks I'll be FREE! I only have four chemistry labs, four botany labs, three physics labs, and one genetics lab left, and I only have 72 more lectures to sit through. Could you tell I'm sick of classes? It's not that I don't love learning, because I do. I just hate the busywork. You know, the "activity, such as schoolwork or office work, meant to take up time but not necessarily yield productive results." (Thank you Dictionary.com.) I'm talking about the meaningless assignments, lab reports that are just long enough to drive me batty but not long enough to matter in the grand scheme of things, and the Drosophila larvae ... how they haunt me *twitch* ... If I ever get to be a professor, I will stand up the first day of classes, proclaim to the world that doing tons of useless small assignments is bullsh*t and won't teach my class anything, give my students the list of readings they have to do, and assign the 50 page paper that they'll have an entire year to work on but will be worth half of their mark. Oh and how they'll hate me. But they'll thank me for it down the road! This rant is starting to sound slightly maniacal ... but whatever. Off to drink my Three Sisters! Thank you Kicking Horse, your coffee is a healing balm to my academically tortured soul .... Love, --KM 2/19/2006 Beautiful PerfectionUntitled thoughts by Kiva-Marie Belt 'I loved the potential that I saw in him; I
loved his hopes and dreams; I saw what he was and what he could become and it
was what I wanted. But he fell short of
what I knew he could be ... and now I’m left with
bleeding scars that refuse to heal completely.
And you’ve been there to help put me back together. The rest of the world might look at you and
say, “Oh. He’s nothing but another
plain, boring, and unimpressive person with nothing to either repulse or
attract. Let him disappear into the
masses of other plain people.” But when
I look at you, you’re the sexiest man I’ve ever laid eyes on. You have the most beautifully emotional eyes,
strong hands, a gentle spirit, and yet there’s a passion inside of you that
draws me even closer. And when we’re old
and ugly – which will eventually happen – the world will look at us and say,
“Forget them.” But we’ll look inside of
each other and see the beautiful perfection that doesn’t fade, but rather it
intensifies, along with our ever growing love.'
--KM2/16/2006 Date Nerds!Top 10 Reasons to Date a Nerd:
Your computer/dvd player/router/remote control/etc. will never be broken for more than an hour.
You will learn more about the lifespan of an orc in the walk to school than most people will ever learn in their entire lifespans.
Your parents will love them, because the thickness of their glasses lenses will prevent them from getting close enough to kiss you.
If you ever feel like watching any sex tape of any celebrity, they'll already have it on their second 600 GB hard drive.
If you buy them a book and give them an hour or two, they'll learn all they need to know about .. you know, that. Instructional videos are not necessary, but they do tend to like them.
Scotch tape and calculators will always be close at hand when needed.
They'll make you feel like the royalty you are.
They say what they're actually thinking, and won't stab you in the back.
They look up to you as the epitome of coolness and will always ask you, "am I doing this right?", because of course you're so experienced at everything cool.
They actually love you, so much that they worship the ground you stand on! And then after a while you'll find yourself wondering ... How did I ever live without them?
So to all of you who are currently dating nerds and know what I'm talking about, give your ego-fluffing tech support a kiss! The rest of you need to go find one!
--KM 2/8/2006 Just like Audrey IIWhy is it that human beings are so weak-willed? Other living things on this planet just want to survive. They live by instinct. Yet we as humans, as creatures of reason, seem unable to make ourselves do what we ought to.
I know what I should do, and I want to do it. I want to live a right life and do good. Yet, as Eve did, I just want one taste of something sinful. The problem is that one taste isn't ever enough.
Like Audrey II, this desire must be fed again and again and again and it grows and grows and grows ... will this ever break? Is there an end in sight?
I look for solace in the arms of men, in knowledge, in beauty, in playful diversions. Yet I find healing in one place alone: the heart of my God and Holy Father.
"Help me out God, I need a little something
Hold my hand so I know that I'm not falling down..." - Superchic[k]: Help Me Out God Love, --KM |
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